Strange are the dynamics of marriage, I want to know things that I don't really want to know, it is so much easier and better to keep up a charade, and I have no one else to blame but myself. The day before yesterday my husband told me, he was in a relationship before he got married to me, it came as a complete shock,"how long did it last" I asked him "four months" he said, uncomfortably turning his head, relieved, I said, "well 4 months is no big deal", how mistaken I was, over the last 2 days or so, I have learnt, it wasnt 4 months it was close to 5 years, may be even more I cant say for certain, coz he keeps shifting the dates.It was a toxic relationship that didn't do him any good, on the contrary it brought out the very worst in him, he tells him he cussed at her, humiliated her, yelled at her, she frustrated him, annoyed him, humiliated him, cheated on him, but somehow he couldn't dump her.The relationship dragged on, and got as ugly as it could get.
Five years, she was with him, even if it was hatred for the most part, she was still with him, in my head I picture my husband, "my" husband calling her, after coming back from college, calling her after coming back from office, or wherever and I feel a strange pang of jealousy, he loved her, he hated her, he kissed her, he held her hand, he sang before her, that leaves me feeling very strange, I know he hated her, for most of it, but, I feel like I am his second wife, like she stole something from me, on the other hand I feel sorry for my husband, he is hurt, he still is, he has a lot of anger and I am so sorry he had to go through all that unnecessary pain, and I am hurting for him, .I wish I was there for him.
Yesterday I called him in anger, we had a short argument, then I hung up, I came across something I should not have,and all of a sudden I could not breathe, my whole marriage seemed like a farce, I was so shocked I couldn't even cry, I wanted to pack my bags and leave but didnt have the strength to do so, I just lay there, overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, when there was a knock on the door, I open the door and in he comes, his handsome, gentle face crumped up in all kinds of anxiety, he begins with an explanation, then takes my laptop to show me something, I watch him intently typing away something, while I lay before him in my négligée still stained in his saliva, his sweat and his semen from our morning's love making session, I don't have what it takes to tell him, that no explanation is necessary now that he is here, but I can't, because he left his work to comfort me, I should atleast pretend for a little while, whereas the truth is, the moment he walked through the door, for me, it was all ok, no explanation was required. Like all stupid misunderstandings this one was cleared up too.
I am still shaken, I am restless, I am jealous and sad, I want to find that girl and shake out of her whatever she stole from me, but that's just me being stupid again. I am trying to calm myself down, I have been, strangely it's not about love, I know my husband loves me, I am jealous for his anger, he never gets angry with me, he never yells at me, but the thought that he got mad at her, cussed her, makes me jealous, it is after all my husband's anger, and I have the right to have it, that she affected him to such an extent that he got mad also bugs me, it doesn't help when he tells me, that he trusts me and he doesn't need to get mad at me. I made him hit me last night, while we were making love, several times, he didn't hit me very hard, but it was hard enough, I feel better now, I am the first woman he has ever hit,to this atleast I have the exclusive rights, I know it's all kinds of wrong even as I write this, but that is me.
I was better without this knowledge of his past, but I know it now, and nothing can undo it.
Five years, she was with him, even if it was hatred for the most part, she was still with him, in my head I picture my husband, "my" husband calling her, after coming back from college, calling her after coming back from office, or wherever and I feel a strange pang of jealousy, he loved her, he hated her, he kissed her, he held her hand, he sang before her, that leaves me feeling very strange, I know he hated her, for most of it, but, I feel like I am his second wife, like she stole something from me, on the other hand I feel sorry for my husband, he is hurt, he still is, he has a lot of anger and I am so sorry he had to go through all that unnecessary pain, and I am hurting for him, .I wish I was there for him.
Yesterday I called him in anger, we had a short argument, then I hung up, I came across something I should not have,and all of a sudden I could not breathe, my whole marriage seemed like a farce, I was so shocked I couldn't even cry, I wanted to pack my bags and leave but didnt have the strength to do so, I just lay there, overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, when there was a knock on the door, I open the door and in he comes, his handsome, gentle face crumped up in all kinds of anxiety, he begins with an explanation, then takes my laptop to show me something, I watch him intently typing away something, while I lay before him in my négligée still stained in his saliva, his sweat and his semen from our morning's love making session, I don't have what it takes to tell him, that no explanation is necessary now that he is here, but I can't, because he left his work to comfort me, I should atleast pretend for a little while, whereas the truth is, the moment he walked through the door, for me, it was all ok, no explanation was required. Like all stupid misunderstandings this one was cleared up too.
I am still shaken, I am restless, I am jealous and sad, I want to find that girl and shake out of her whatever she stole from me, but that's just me being stupid again. I am trying to calm myself down, I have been, strangely it's not about love, I know my husband loves me, I am jealous for his anger, he never gets angry with me, he never yells at me, but the thought that he got mad at her, cussed her, makes me jealous, it is after all my husband's anger, and I have the right to have it, that she affected him to such an extent that he got mad also bugs me, it doesn't help when he tells me, that he trusts me and he doesn't need to get mad at me. I made him hit me last night, while we were making love, several times, he didn't hit me very hard, but it was hard enough, I feel better now, I am the first woman he has ever hit,to this atleast I have the exclusive rights, I know it's all kinds of wrong even as I write this, but that is me.
I was better without this knowledge of his past, but I know it now, and nothing can undo it.
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